10 reasons to sit on the couch

  

I've been in therapy -- really been in it -- for about six months now. This is my fourth therapist and the only one I've actually stuck with. I don't know if it's the method of the therapy, the clicking of personalities, or the fact that I was finally ready to do something about all of the shit I didn't like in my life, but the past six months have been the best six months for me. I've learned so much and I'm learning and growing every single week.

For years I've loved this song by Dar Williams, "What Do You Hear in These Sounds," but I don't think I've really, really gotten it until now. Now when I hear these words I feel like I relate to them on a level that makes me believe that somehow, in some way, Williams had the foresight to write these words just for me, just to express how I'm feeling...

 

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a 50-minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something
But she knows that it's much better if I get it for myself
And she says...

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says, "Oh," and I say, "What?"
She says, "Exactly." I say, "What? You think I'm angry?
Does this mean you think I'm angry?"
She says, "Look, you come here every week with jigsaw pieces of your past
It's all on little sound bytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map.
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?"

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

When I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But, oh, how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself

I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
I say, "Well, I'm lucky 'cause I'm like East Berlin"
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks and I could hear their radios
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared; they'd know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling and their calling out just like me

The stories that nobody hears...
I collect these sounds in my ears...
That's what I hear in these,
that's what I hear in these sounds...

 

If you aren't in therapy, or have never been in therapy, these lyrics may mean nothing to you. But for me the are extremely powerful. I think everyone could really benefit from (the right kind of) therapy. Here is a list of 10 reasons why I think I think everyone should take a seat on on the couch:

 

10 Reasons to Sit Down Now:

1. You have time set aside just to talk about YOU. 
   I don't know about you, but I like to talk about me. I like to talk and talk and talk about all of the things that have happened and are happening. It's so refreshing to just get it all out and to tell it all to someone who isn't related to me as a friend or family member.   
2. You create a safe haven where you can be completely honest. 
   It's great. You go in and you are in this place where you can be completely you. You aren't being judged. You aren't trying to put on a brave or cool or interested face. You are you and you can be whoever that is all the time.
3. You learn new things about yourself every week (very cool!).
   Ever since I've started going to therapy (and I mean really going), I've learned something new about myself and the world every week. It's so exciting and great to learn new things in general, but to learn things about yourself that will impact the world and the way you live in it is really awesome.
4. You find ways to better relate to the people around you.
   I'm still working on this one, but I definitely think I've made some progress. The more honest and open I am in therapy, the more open and honest I become in life. I am learning why I act the way I do and how that impacts others. I am learning to change and adapt and react in a healthy way to others act.
5. You figure out why you do the (sometimes stupid) things you do.
   This is really important because I've done a lot of stupid and pain-causing things in my life and I've asked myself over and over again, "Why did I do that?!" Now I'm starting to figure it. It's all coming together and starting to make sense. I am getting some real answers that are helping me to take different, smarter actions.
   
6. You explore the past, which leads to a better present.
   I've always been a big fan of just pushing the past away and telling myself, "It's over and done with! Move on!" It's great to move on, but it's also pretty great to think about what happened in the past and how it affects me now. Whether it was something that happened when I was five or something that happened five days ago, looking back helps me to see the present more clearly.
7. You open your mind to new ideas and ways of thinking.
   Over the past six months, I've learned to see things differently. For example, my therapist really encourages me to think about my feelings (and not my thoughts, which are too very different things). When I experience an emotion, she asks me to identify it, acknowledge it, and think about how I am reacting physically and mentally to it. It's a really great way to use mindfulness every day and it's helped me to realize when I'm getting angry or upset.
8. You accept and love yourself for who you are, flaws included.
   Okay, I'm not totally there on this one yet, but I'm working on it. Now that I have a better understanding of my past and tools to make my current life happier, I'm becoming more accepting of myself. I'm learning about me and I'm finding out that I actually really like who I am and who I'm still becoming.  
9. You deal with the hard stuff you normally avoid like the plague.
   Ouch. This one hurts. There are a lot of things -- and I mean, A LOT of things -- that I'd rather not talk about. If my friends or family members brought up these topics, I would brush them off or change the subject or (if I were in an especially bratty mood) get up and leave the room. Therapy's not like that. She knows when I don't want to deal with something and she doesn't let me just brush over it. She knows that there's a reason it bothers me and, instead of avoid the hard stuff, we dive right into it and try to get to the bottom of it.
10. You wake up one morning and realize, "Finally, I'm really living."
    Yes, this has happened to me. One morning, I don't quite remember when, I woke up, sober and bathed in the sunlight coming through my window. And as my dog raised her sleepy little head and blinked at me, I stretched and yawned and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm actually alive. I'm not miserable. I'm not cloaked in sorrow or hiding under the pain of a horrendous hangover. I'm me. I'm here. Right now." It sounds cheesy maybe, but it was really great. Really great.

 

And -- a bonus -- you suddenly become accountable for the things you do! Let's say I tell myself, "Okay, I'm going to get out this bad situation. I'm really going to do it." Then I wait...and I make excuses...and, even with my friends asking and my family members inquiring about why I don't just stop the pain, weeks and weeks go by with nothing changing. But when I'm in therapy things are different. I make plans. I set goals. I have to go in that office every week, sit on that couch, and either (1) admit that I haven't removed myself from the bad situation or (2) lie. (Word of advice: lying to your therapist is not a good idea. I did it for years and I've finally realized that it's a waste of time and money, and, most importantly, it is a big indicator that whatever you are doing is not healthy for you.) Therapy makes me do things. It makes me act. For years I said to myself, "I should quit drinking. Everything that is bad in my life is tied directly with alcohol-use (either mine or someone else's). I'm going to stop." Did I stop? Nope. Why? Because I wasn't being held accountable. No one was asking me weekly if I had a drink and, in fact, I was receiving the opposite feedback from the people in my life who wanted me to keep drinking. Bottom line: therapy makes you do (good) things you wouldn't normally be able to do.

Even if you're against therapy or think you don't need it (c'mon, be honest with yourself...), try to have an open mind and at least give it a try. Or many tries. It took me a long time -- ten years! -- to finally find a therapist and a place in my life for therapy. Now it is one of the best experiences I have every single week even when, like last week, I was faced with some things I didn't necessarily want to deal with.

I'll be honest -- therapy isn't always easy. I've had to talk about things I didn't want to talk about. I've had to give up things (and people) I didn't want to let go of. I've had to adjust my life big time to make it a healthier, happier place for me. But you know what? I feel great. It feels great to have a place to go where I can be honest, where I can sit down and know that I'm going to have a session filled with new insights and inspirations for myself. It's so fulfilling to see the progress I'm making, week after week. Knowing I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't taken the step I really didn't want to take -- going to therapy -- made me want to write this post. Honestly I believe everyone can benefit from the right kind of therapy. Every adult I know (and probably every adult in the world) has issues and demons of some kind, and if they can find the right therapist (trust me, this is the hard part), I really think they have the opportunity to live a much more fulfilling and satisfied life.

Okay, now that you've read my little rant about how great therapy is, let's get down to the practical stuff. I have a lot of friends who, when they hear these rants on an almost weekly basis, say to me, "I'd love to go to therapy, but I just can't afford it." Yes, yes you can. Here are some 5 tips for saving up so you can save your sanity:

 

5 Ways to Save Your Money (and Your Mind):

 

1. Quit your addictions. Cigarettes, booze, drugs -- they're expensive and, trust me, your therapist will make you quit anyway.
2. Stop shopping. Do you need a new pair of jeans or do you want to live the rest of your life in an unhealthy relationship? Yeah, that's what I thought. Put the credit card down.
3. Don't eat out. Cut back on a few restaurant meals a week and you could have a enough for a weekly session.
4. Create a budget. Do you really think there are many things in your life that are more important than your happiness? Think about what you really need and ask yourself if you rather have it than be mentally healthy and happy.
5. Find out if you can get help. Maybe your health insurance will pay for it. Maybe you have a loving family member or spouse who wants to help you out. Look for ways to sponsor your sanity.

 

Trust me. You can afford it. I don't make a lot of money and I have a pretty serious shopping problem (yes, I'm working on this). I also live in an area where rent is absurdly expensive. I have a social life that involves meals and movies and spending money I shouldn't. If I can afford it, anyone can afford it. And, to be honest, I wouldn't want to spend my money anywhere else. Sometimes I'm holding that check, about to hand it over, and I think, "Ugh, that's so much money," but then I instantly remember how much I've gotten out of every single session and I know it is totally worth every single penny.

Another excuse that reaches my ears when I mention how wonderful therapy is seems to be, "That sounds great, but I just don't have the time." Yes, yes you do. While I don't have children (I know this is a big time suck), I do have a job and friends and family. I have a social life to maintain. I am a volunteer. I write articles for a local lifestyle website. I write on this blog almost every day. I am busy. But I make time. You can to. No matter how busy you are, there is a hour of your week that you can dedicate to you. If you do, every other hour will start be better and more productive. One "lost" hour will not kill you. In fact, it will make you a lot more alive. Here are some time-saving tips:

 

5 Ways to Find Time to Find Yourself:

1. Ask your friends or family for one hour off. You might be surprised at how willing they will be to give you time to yourself. Ask your friend or spouse to watch your kids for a bit. Don't be afraid to cancel a dinner date with a friend if means getting a chance to spend time on you.
2. Leave early or take a long lunch. If you can't tell your boss what for, you can probably be vague about it. If you're as lucky as I am to have the best boss ever, s/he will probably be flexible.
3. Stop doing things. Okay, don't stop doing just anything. Stop doing the things that are unhealthy for you. Do you spend hours and hours eating out every week? Do you go to the mall too often? Stop it. Stop whatever you don't need to be doing and use that time for your mental health.
4. Get offline. How much time do you spend on the internet? Too much? I bet you could spend that time somewhere else...yeah, you know where...Go on. Sign off. Shut down. You can do it!
5. Organize yourself. It's so easy to say you "don't have time," but, really we all have a lot more time than we realize. Think about how you spend your day. How could you spend your time better? What can you stop wasting time on?

 

Remember, no matter who or what or where you are in your life, this life is about YOU. When it comes down to it, you are all you have, and you should spend time getting to know yourself, figuring out what you want in life, and learning how to live the happiest life you possibly can. So go on...go visit Psychology Today's website and find a therapist near you!

Comments

[Sarah]

Wow. This is brilliant. I'm in the exact same situation, and I completely understand - and that song is perfect. I'm going to find it and buy it.

Another thing that I noticed is that this seems to be a rare type of post for most bloggers - sure, they admit that they have flaws, but they are rarely willing to expose them to the world in such detail as you have here. I have to commend your bravery.

Thank you for such a wonderful start to my morning.

[Sarah]

Oh, and I'm sorry, I forgot to mention - you can also find highly discounted counseling at most universities. A graduate student performs as your therapist, as a part of the requirements for their degree. Sometimes there is a panel looking on, but in my case they are behind a one-way mirror, so I just kind of forget they are there (and they're really paying more attention to what he's saying than what you are saying). It's a really great way for someone who doesn't have $100 a week to get the help that they need. I highly recommend it.

[caroline]

I was in therapy in high school and it saved my life! You have written these points so well too. I earned so much from that experience and am a better person for it. In regards to the no spending...I just began a new blog to help me on this journey. I never realized all the stuff I bought...sheesh. If you want check it out: www://thesimplezen.wordpress.com

[Jay Schryer]

This is a great post! I've also been in therapy for a few months, and it really does help. I think the *real* reason more people don't go to therapy is because theya re ashamed of the stigma associated with it. Articles like this help ease that feeling, because it lets everyone know that they aren't alone.

[positively present]

Jay - I think you're right. A lot of people are (1) afraid to admit they might need therapy and (2) scared of what they might find out about themselves if they started going. I'm glad I can help people feel less alone by sharing my experiences. :)

Caroline - I will definitely check out the site. It sounds like something I might need, what with my shopping problem and all. Thanks for the kind words about my post!

Sarah - I'm glad you liked the post and the song (definitely get it - it's great!). Thanks so much for your support. I was (and still am) a very closed off person so it's pretty hard for me to open up like this. It really means a lot to have support from readers like you so thank you! And thanks for the great tip about discounted therapy. I think that could help out a lot of people!

[Shannon (The Daily Balance)]

Great post! So often people are ashamed or embarassed of going to therapy -- rediculous! EVERYONE (even those in PERFECT mental health and self-awareness) could benefit from therapy. Thanks for addressing this issue.

[positively present]

Shannon - I'm so glad you appreciated the post. I've never really felt too embarassed but it, but from the comments made on here and the comments made to me by friends, I think people are really surprised that I put all of this out there. As I mentioned in another comment, I'm usually really closed off and hesistant to open up so I feel like this was a big step for me. Thanks for stopping by and supporting PP! :)

[Chris Edgar]

Thanks for this post. I'm not seeing a therapist at the moment, but I've been fortunate enough to have friends who are willing to listen to me without judgment, because we're all transformational workshop geeks. The importance of a compassionate listener, I think, can't be overstated.

[positively present]

Chris - You are completely right. There is nothing like a compassionate and understanding listener. Thanks for commenting! :)

[Molly Brown]

Fabulous post. Love it. For me, the (right kind of) therapy is my meditation practice. My meditation IS my medication. Thanks for giving insight into what works for you!

[positively present]

Molly - So glad you enjoyed it! I haven't gotten into meditation, but it really sounds awesome. It's a great way to be mindful.

[Account Deleted]

A thousand thank you's for your honesty. I like you even more every time I read another entry. Therapy can be so great if you find a good match for yourself. I'm glad you are taking control of your life and being held accountable. Bravo to you!

[Roger - A Content Life]

Wow...that was an information packed post!

I've been in therapy at various times in my life. I think it's really useful especially when stress or depression is making you lose perspective.

[Chania Girl]

I love this Dar Williams song! Just one more moment of, "You too?" Thanks for a great post.

[positively present]

Raphael - You're welcome! :) I'm so glad you're enjoying reading my posts! That means a lot to me. And thanks for the encouragement too!

Roger - Therapy isn't for every time in your life, you're right, but it can be so wonderful when it's at the right time and in the right setting. Thanks for coming by.

Chania Girl - It's a great song, isn't it? So glad you can relate to the posts. It's great to be able to share with people who get it.

[Victor Tan]

Hmm.. what about sitting on the couch in your home while listening to self-hypnosis tracks? or going into trance?

[positively present]

Victor - I'm not sure...I've never sat on my couch and gone into a trance before, but it might be really helpful. I think it's worth it to try all sorts of things because you never know what might work for you!

[green ink]

What a brilliant post, and like the others, I must applaud your courage and honesty. I have been in therapy since January and have hardly told anyone about it, and I'm not sure why...was I embarrassed that I needed help? Probably. But all the benefits that you've just described are right there in my life now and I know that's nothing to be ashamed about, it's something to celebrate and be proud of! Thanks for a wonderful post :D x

[positively present]

Green Ink - Thanks so much for your comment on this post. This is one of my favorites because I truly believe that therapy (the right kind of therapy that really works) is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I've been seeing my therapist since November and I can honestly say that the past eight months have been some of the happiest, most productive months of my life. It is AMAZING what a good therapist has done for me. I understand that it's not the easiest thing to tell people because of the social stigma, but I have two things to say about that: (1) you don't have to tell anyone anything about yourself that you don't want to; it's YOUR life, and (2) if therapy makes you a better, happier person there is nothing to be ashamed of (trust me, it's a lot better to be in therapy that to be using drugs/alchol/shopping/sex/etc. to find happiness!) and if you have people that will judge you for trying to make your life better you probably should get rid of those people. Thanks again for your comment. It means a lot to me! :) And keep up the therapy. It's really great stuff!

[Kim]

This post is great. Thank you. I have "been in therapy" for a while now - but it isn't really "therapy", it is my way of dealing with the negative stuff in my life so that I can be a nicer person when I get to spend time with friends and family. Granted, it is an expensive way of finding a "good listener" - but I find it does me more good than a massage or other coping mechanisms.

[positively present]

Kim - You're welcome! I agree that therapy is expensive (and time consuming!) but when you have a great therapist who makes you a better person when it comes to relating to those you love it is worth every penny! And, as you note, a lot of people spend tons of money trying to find happiness through various forms so why not spend it on therapy?