positively present

9 positive aspects of love

 (♥)
 
"I love you, not only for what you are, 
but for what I am when I am with you." 

Roy Croft

As you may remember from a post I wrote not too long ago, I've been very influenced by a book I read recently called Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson. The book really is essential if you're interested in positivity and living a more positive life (which I certainly am!). One thing the book does is highlight the ten forms of positivity, which are: joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love. One day I hope to write a post detailing each of these and their importance in our lives, but for now, as I'm focusing this month on love, I'm going to zero in on the last one. In the book, Fredrickson writes:     

[Love is] not a single kind of positivity. It's all of the above, encompassing joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, and awe... In the early stages of a relationship...you're deeply interested in anything and everything this new person says and does. You share amusements and laugh together...As your relationship builds and perhaps surpasses your expectations, it brings great joy. You begin to share your hopes and dreams for the future together. As the relationship becomes more solid, you sink back into the serenity that comes from the security of mutual love. You're grateful for the joys your loved beloved brings into your life, as proud as their achievements as you are of your own, inspired by their good qualities, and perhaps in awe that the forces of the universe that brought you two together.

Love, as anyone who has loved or has been loved knows, is a wonderful, crazy thing, and when I read Fredrickson's analysis of the term love in relation to positivity, I have a better understanding about why love is as magical as it is. It's a complex thing, but it's also quite simple: love makes you feel good. It does so many things, but at the most basic level, love makes you feel uplifted, happy, and positive. Fredrickson writes, "Love also changes the inner chemistry of our bodies. It raises out oxytocin and progesterone levels, biological responses linked with lifelong bonds, trust, and intimacy." Love is literally a surge of positivity within us. Let's take a closer look at how love affects us positively... 

9 Positive Aspects of Love 
 

Interest: When you first meet someone you're destined to fall in love with, you're super interested in his/her life and everything about him/her. I think this is actually one of the first signs that you really like the person. When you're not all that interested in someone, there's no way you're likely to fall in love with him or her. But when you're so interested you can think of little else... well, that's usually the first sign of love. 

Amusement: Some of the best times I've ever had with loved ones involved laughing so hard my face and sides hurt. It's wonderful to love someone and to be able to let go with that person and just laugh and laugh and laugh. It can be difficult sometimes to get to a place where one feels comfortable enough to amuse others and it's also hard sometimes to just let go and be easily amused. Love, I've found, brings out that desire to see the silly and to look for the good, amusing aspects of life. 

Joy: Joy is the most obvious when it comes to falling or being in love. When you're around someone you love, you can't help but feel joyous. Love isn't all sunshine and roses, but, for the most part, there's a lot of joy. When you love someone, that person makes you truly happy and spending time with him or her uplifts you in ways you may not have felt possible. Often, when you are with the one you love, even the worst situation can seem like fun. True love brings happiness and fills your life with joy. 

Hope: This one has a double meaning in my opinion. First, I believe that love gives you hope. When you experience love (even from friends and family), you feel like there is hope for good things. You believe that there is goodness in the world. Secondly, when you fall in love, you share your hopes with that person. You let him or her inside your mind and allow him or her to know what really is important to you. You make plans for the future with this person, placing hope in the fact that your relationship with stand the test of time. Hope can be a fragile thing, but it's very important when it comes to love. 

Serenity: This one happens to be my personal favorite. Love is when you get to that point with another person when, no matter what is happening, you feel a sense of peace when you're with him or her. Your life could be chaos, everything could feel like it's falling apart, but when you're with the one you love, you feel calm. You feel safe. This sense of peace is not easy to come by and, for that reason, I don't take it for granted. There are few things in life that can make us feel as at peace as we do when we're wrapped in the arms of the one we love. 

Gratitude: I try to practice gratitude on a regular basis, being thankful for those around me and the amazing things they do for me, and loving someone else is a great way to do this. We should all be extremely grateful for the love we have in our lives and we should do whatever we can not to take it for granted. We should strive to make every single day a loving one, expressing our gratitude not only through words but through actions as well. It's easy to take things for granted, but a great love makes that hard to do. When you are deeply in love, it's hard to be anything but grateful. 

Pride: Have you ever seen a loved one do something amazing and felt such a swell of pride that it shocked you? I know I have -- and it's pretty awesome. It's great to feel proud of yourself, but it's extra exciting when you can feel proud of someone else. I experienced this not too long ago and it was such a great feeling, such a sign of love, that I was a bit overwhelmed. I realized that it really is the true test of love -- to feel really good that someone else is going something that's important to him or her. Pride is usually thought of as a negative, but in this case it's a true positive. 

Inspiration: When you fall in love with someone, that person should inspire you. If s/he doesn't... well, I don't know if that's the best kind of love. The best kind of love is the kind that makes you want to be the best you. The best kind of love makes you want to do the things you love to do and to do them well. When I'm in love, I'm motivated, I'm excited, and I'm most definitely inspired. I also am hopeful that I'm inspiring the one I love as well and I do my best to make this happen. Inspiration can come from anywhere, but love is one of those amazing things that almost always inspires.   

Awe: Love definitely is the type of thing that deserves this word "awe." In fact, the word could have been created simply for love, it's that connected. When you love someone, you're in awe of him or her. And, not only are you in awe of how awesome s/he is, but you're in awe of the relationship you've found. Anyone who's ever had a really great love knows that it's pretty astounding when it does happen. It can feel like the craziest thing to find someone who seems to fit so perfectly with you and, quite honestly, it's nearly impossible not to be in awe of that. Love is awesome and it deserve all the awe it can get. 

Now that we've covered the nine positive aspects of love in more detail, I'd like to know what you think. Love is so unique, so magical, so special that it doesn't necessarily fit into a neat box filled with nine positive traits. Love is grander than that. Any box it's put in, it explodes from, shattering all of our expectations and leaving us staring up at it like the brilliant sparks sent flying from fireworks. Love is complex, love is fascinating, and love is so very important when it comes to positivity. So I want to know what you think love is. I want to know what love means to you. I want to know what aspects you think have been left out of this list. And I want to know just how love brings positivity into your life. 

 What are some additional aspects of love? 
What does love mean to you? How does it make your life positive? 
 

the snow storm challenge: a lesson on loving change

For the past three days I've been snowed in my apartment, without power and without heat. As you might be able to guess, it's been a true challenge to remain positive and present while I've been shivering and pretty close to being bored out of my mind. But, for the first time in my life, I've tried to see a blackout as a positive thing. I've tried to not focus on the fact that my hands and feet are freezing and that I really do have trouble living without internet and TV and, instead, focus on the positive aspects of being without electricity. Hard as it's been, I've tried to focus on the good things -- on the things I love about the situation. Most importantly, I've tried to love the unexpectedness of this. Of course I'd been aware that it was going to snow, but I had no idea just how much or how it would knock the power out for days. I'd been planning for weeks for a business trip that would now (for me, at least) be canceled. I'd made lists for the weekend of all the things I'd wanted to do. But you know what? A lot of things changed after the lights flickered and the power cut out late Friday night. I had a choice: either be angry and upset or do my best to go with the flow.

Even though it was hard for me, queen of routines, lover of plans, to go with the flow, I've done the best I could to make the most of the situation. I've tried my very best to love what was completely unexpected. I don't love change, especially something drastic and tragic like having no power, but I knew it came down to one big question: was I going to love the change or hate the change? Initially I wanted to hate it. I wanted to throw a grown-up tantrum, flinging out phrases like, "This isn't fair!" and "But I don't want the power to be out!" But clearly doing that wasn't going to do me any good. Tempting as it was to be angry, the anger and negativity welling up inside me wasn't going to turn the lights back on or send the heat flowing through the vents -- and it certainly wasn't going to make my snow storm experience any better.

So I decided to do what I could to love the unxpected changes, challenging as some of them were. I attempted to love the things that had suddenly become so different... I made the best of no lights -- hey, more time to read! a candlelit dinner! I made the best of no heat -- let's set up a tent inside and snuggle up! I made the best of limited meal choices -- we don't have to think so much about what we want! we can get creative with our options! I made the best of having no internet -- I can use pen and paper! I can read actual pages!  I made sure to see the positive when I was told I didn't have to go on the business trip -- I didn't want to go anyway and now I can help out from the comfort of my home! Change, especially change like this, is pretty trying on anyone and especially on people who like routines. It was so tempting -- SO tempting -- to think of the negative things. It's hard to think positively when your hands feel like ice cubes and your choice of activities range from board games to reading (much as I love to read, I cannot do it for 12+ hours straight without feeling a little crazy...).

But, hard as it has been to be positive over the past few days, I managed to do it. I managed not only to accept the changes that were happening all around me, but to love them. Having limited options and fewer choices actually made my life easier in some ways. I didn't feel the pressure to work because I had no computer. I didn't feel the need to socialize because most everyone I knew was stranded at home. I didn't have to stress about my business trip because I wasn't required to go. I didn't have to worry about getting enough sleep because, once it got dark, there was little to do but curl up in the tent and try to get some shut eye. Over the past few days I've certainly had some stress, but it's been freeing in a way to love the changes and to realize that sometimes life throws curve balls that aren't always so bad.

For a lot of people, change is a hard thing to like, let alone love. I'm one of those people that looks at change -- especially unexpected change like a power outage during a snow storm -- and wrinkles her nose in disgust. I don't like things that challenge my routines and schedules and I definitely don't like things that make me cold. However, I can honestly say now that I have learned to love this kind of unexpected change. It's given me a fresh perspective from which to view my life and, more than anything, it's given me a big, fat reminder that I should always be grateful. There are so many things in my life -- things that I really love and feel as though I can't live without -- that have been taken away from me over the past few days. I've learned to respect them, to value them, and to be grateful for them. And, in addition, I've learned to be thankful for those things in my life that can't so easily be taken away. There are things like love and hope and optimism that, I've realized, stay with me no matter what.

Unexpected change can be scary, annoying, and a pain in the ass. But it can also be eye-opening and inspiring. It's all a matter of how you choose to look at it. It's easy sometimes focus on the negative when things unexpectedly don't go your way, but the next time you're faced with an unanticipated change that leaves your life a bit unsettled, ask yourself this: do I want to love this change or hate it? One option might certainly be easier, but I can tell you first hand that making the choice to love change this weekend has not only made my day to day life a lot better over the past few days, but it's also made me feel a lot better about myself in general. I've learned through a very real-life situation that I can love unexpected change and make the most of it, something I never really believed was possible.

Yes, I would love to be in my apartment right now, sitting at my desk with the TV chatting cheerfully in the background. Yes, I would love not to be in this god-awful mall food court with my laptop plugged in and children screaming and running in circles around plastic tables and chairs. Yes, I would love it if my hands and toes really felt warm. And, yes, I would love not to be wearing four layers of clothing. But you know what? This is where I am and this is what I'm doing and this is what I'm wearing. This is my life right now and, in spite of the less-than-ideal circumstances, I'm pretty happy because I've faced change head-on, I've looked it in the eye, and I've realized that I actually can love the unexpected twists and turns in life.

How do YOU deal with change? Do you love it?
Does the unexpected (like a snow storm blackout) freak you out
or does the challenge of change excite you?

 

Photo credit: (♥)

[love edition] words to live by: slow show

 (♥)
 

Standing at the punch table swallowing punch

can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone

a little more stupid, a little more scared

every minute more unprepared

I made a mistake in my life today

everything I love gets lost in drawers

I want to start over, I want to be winning

way out of sync from the beginning

I wanna hurry home to you

put on a slow, dumb show for you

and crack you up

so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain

god I’m very, very frightened

I’ll overdo it

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay

I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

Can I get a minute of not being nervous

and not thinking of my ...
 

My leg is sparkles, my leg is pins

I better get my shit together, better gather my shit in

You could drive a car through my head in five minutes

from one side of it to the other

I wanna hurry home to you

put on a slow, dumb show for you

and crack you up

so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain

god I’m very, very frightened

I’ll overdo it

You know I dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before I saw you

You know I dreamed about you

I missed you for

for twenty-nine years

You know I dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before I saw you

You know I dreamed about you

I missed you for

for twenty-nine years 

The National
 "Slow Show" 

For reasons that have only recently been explained to me, this has been for quite some time one of my favorite love songs. If you want to hear it, click to listen to "Slow Show" on YouTube. "Words To Live By" is a segment on Positively Present that features my favorite quote or lyrics from the week. Every Sunday I post a quote or lyrics that have inspired me with the hope that they'll inspire you too. This month I've created a special "Love Edition" of "Words To Live By," featuring lyrics from my favorite love songs. Comments will be closed on these posts, but feel free to tweet the post if you enjoy it or contact me via Twitter.

don't wait for love: 10 ways to love yourself now

 (♥)

 

You've probably seen the words in that picture above countless times before. It's one of those things that gets thrown around, usually when someone is in a down-and-out state and struggling to understand why he or she doesn't feel loved. If they're being said to you they can be painful, but the pain underlines a telling fact: those words are true. Whether or not you want to believe it, if you don't love yourself, no one else can truly love you. Certainly you can be in relationships and experience varieties of emotions similar to love, but if you don't love yourself, if you don't respect yourself, I can guarantee you that no one else can really, truly love or respect you either.

How do I know this? From experience. The older I get, the more I get to know myself, and, much to my surprise, the more I actually love myself. And, not surprisingly (if you believe in the words pictured above), the more I grow to love myself and value my place in this world, the more love and acceptance I experience in my relationships with others. It may seem cliche or even ironic, but I can only speak from a place of my experiences and my experiences have shown me that the quote above is 100%, shockingly, undeniably true. If you want other people to love you, you must love yourself.

We all know this is generally much easier said than done. Of course we all want to love ourselves, but it's not always that easy, is it? Sometimes it can be very, very difficult to believe that you are worth loving. Sometimes it can be damn near impossible to believe that you are valuable. But you are! You, me, everyone is capable of loving and being loved. It's not always simple -- and usually it's not -- but it's always possible. And it's up to you to take the first step in the cycle of love by loving yourself. (The cycle of love, if you're wondering, is the idea that once we love ourselves, we are then capable of being loved, and then are capable of loving others, which makes us love ourselves even more!) If isn't already obvious, I'll spell it out for you here: no one but you can take this first step toward loving yourself. Others can attempt to love you -- and they can do their very best to convince you that you need to love you -- but ultimately it's up to you.

And, often, when left in our hands, the possibility of loving ourselves seems too grand, to insurmountable to even begin to dive into. In order to love ourselves, we have to accept ourselves and, man, is that hard sometimes. We have to accept the good and the bad, the mistakes and the triumphs. We have to actually look at ourselves in the mirror and really see who we are (which, believe me, can be pretty nerve-racking sometimes). It's way more tempting to just float along, letting the world move around you, just hoping that someday you will be loved in the way you want to be loved. As someone who has done this, I can tell you for sure that you'll never find what you're looking for if you don't start making some proactive attempts to love yourself. There's no better time than right now -- yep, right this very minute! -- to get started on some serious self-love. Here's my advice:

10 Ways to Love Yourself NOW

1. Celebrate your past. I'll be honest with you -- this is one of the hardest ones for me. There are things about the me I used to be that I just don't want to celebrate. However, I think about it like this: everything that happened to me in the past made me the person I am today so I need to embrace and celebrate that past because, without it, I wouldn't be me.
   
   
2. Indulge in your desires. Now, not every desire should be indulged it, but sometimes I think it's important to recognize the things that make you happy, that inspire you, that send little shivers of delight down your spine. Doing so will help you recognize the uniqueness that is you and will help you to identify the things you can focus on, those things that truly bring you happiness.
   
   
3. Let go of your mistakes. Mistakes happen. To everyone. No matter what you look like, who you are, what you do for a living, you've made mistakes. We all have and they all suck. I look back on some of my mistakes and literally cringe. But you know what? It doesn't do you any good to focus on them. Take what you can from them, learn from them, and then move the hell on.
   
   
4. Transform your mindset.Sadly it's often easier to get down on yourself than it is to lift yourself up, but if you want to love yourself, you have to change your mindset. You have to believe that you're worthy of love and you have to actively seek out positive things about yourself and your life. Believe me, if you don't do it, no one else well. Change the way you think about yourself and the rest will fall into place.
   
   
5. Embrace your future. Sometimes you find yourself in a tough spot, unhappy with your life and ultimately unhappy with yourself. While I'm all about living in the present, I understand sometimes that the present can be pretty rotten. So cut yourself some slack and remember that you have a deliciously exciting future ahead of you. Focus on what's to come and remind yourself that you can do anything.
   
   
6. Dive into your passion. Most people are passionate about something. They have things that really matter to them -- whether it be a cause or a job or a loved one or a hobby. Whatever it is that gets you really excited, focus on it. Embrace it. Run with it. One of the best ways you can learn to love yourself is to zero in on the things that make you the happiest and spend as much time as you can on them.
   
   
7. Live in your moment. While it's not always easy to live in the moment (nearly a year after starting this blog I still struggle with it on a daily basis!), it's important that you do so. Why? Because to live in the moment is to accept what is and to accept what is is the best way I've found for truly loving yourself. If you focus on the past or present, you're not loving yourself now. Love yourself by being present.
   
   
8. Sing your own praises. I know some people don't like toot their own horns, but you know what? It's okay to say how awesome you are every once and awhile. It's okay to admit that, wow, you did an amazing job on something or accomplished something you never thought you could. Celebrate yourself and your achievements and all of that self-love is sure to find you. Love your awesomeness because, seriously, you are awesome.
   
   
9. Listen to your ideas. Do you ever find yourself ignoring your instincts or avoiding your gut reaction? Don't do that anymore. If you want to love yourself, you have to believe yourself. You have to trust yourself. It's not always easy to listen to yourself, but recognize that your thoughts and ideas are always valid (no matter how ridiculous they might seem). You don't always have to act on your ideas, but always listen to them.
   
   
10. Appreciate your life. Okay, so there are some things you want to change about yourself, about your body, about your relationships, about your life? That's okay. We all want to change things. But what if you stopped focusing on the things you want to change and, instead, focused on the things you wanted to stay the same. Appreciating all that you have in your life is one of the very best ways to remember that you're so very lucky to be YOU.  

 

Of course, there are more than 10 ways to love yourself, but these are, in my opinion, the best place to start. (For more ideas, check out some old posts on Positively Present that focus on self-love, such as: "The ABCs of Loving Yourself," "Greet Yourself with Love," "8 Ways to Make Yourself Shine," "How To Love Your Life's Path," and "Love Love Love Who You Are Now.") I recognize that loving yourself can be really hard work. It's something I work on every day and still don't think I have it completely down (or know if I ever will!), but every time I do something or think something that aligns with the idea that I do, in fact, love myself, I find that a much more positive, more present person. After all, it's pretty hard to live in the moment and love the moment you're living in if you don't love yourself...

As I was writing this post, I came across a quote that really inspired me. Kurt Hahn wrote, "There is more in us than we known. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unable to settle for less." When I read it, I thought to myself, "Wow, that really is true. We are all such unique and complex beings and we often don't spend the time or energy looking at ourselves in a deep and meaningful way." The more we turn our attention towards ourselves, towards the act of loving ourselves, the more likely we will be to ask for more from life and for ever, ever settle for less than we deserve. Don't settle. Don't wait. Start loving yourself right now!

how to say "i love you" with gratitude

   

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it
is like wrapping a present and not giving it."

William Arthur Ward 
  

I couldn't agree with that quote more, but sometimes it's hard to be grateful. I always want to be grateful and I honestly give it my best effort, but sometimes I just plain forget. As important gratitude is to me and as much as I want to share my thankfulness with others, sometimes it slips my mind and it isn't until later (sometimes years later!) that I realize what a wonderful thing someone did for me. Over the past month, however, I've started thinking about gratitude differently and in doing so it's become much more of a priority for me. 

How have my thoughts about gratitude changed lately? I've begun to think of gratitude not as an obligation or as something that is healthy for me, but as an act of love. It sounds a bit cheesy when I write that down, but, really, what is gratitude if it's not love? Thankfulness -- in whatever form -- is essentially a way to love someone else. Let's say someone -- maybe even a complete stranger -- does something nice for you. How can you express that you are happy and thankful? By being grateful. Gratitude is a universal kind of love, an appreciative kind of love. It's something deep and meaningful and important. When you love someone, you cannot help but incorporate gratitude into that love. But what about the love you incorporate into gratitude? 

There's something vitality important about thinking about gratitude as an act of love that has inspired me to think about gratitude in an entirely new way. I've always thought of it as important, but now I feel as if it's something essential -- not only in terms of improving my personal relationships, but also in terms of improving the world as a whole. I've always wanted to cultivate gratitude, but now that I think about it in terms of love, I want to give and receive it like love. I want to use gratitude to make others feel good and I want to know that when someone is grateful for me or for something I've done, that his or her gratitude will mean more to mean than the simple "Thank you" I receive. 

As important as it is to feel gratitude -- and it is important in terms of your overall wellbeing -- it's also important to express that gratitude. Gratitude, I've found, can sometimes slip through the cracks. You might feel it. You might mean to show it. But you don't. And that's a dangerous thing. When you forget to show gratitude, you are essentially forgetting to show love. It happens -- especially if, like me, you're surrounded by wonderful people doing wonderful things all the time (Thank you, friends and family!) -- but it doesn't mean it's something we should be content with happening. Forgetting to be grateful is a forgetfulness of love, and, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to forget the love in my life. It's a precious thing, a thing that can disperse or dissolve, and for that reason I want to make every effort to show those I love how grateful I am to have them around. 

Over the past month, as I've been thinking about gratitude in a new way, I've given some thought to how I can really express my gratitude -- my love -- for those who mean a lot to me. As with the post I wrote on Monday about expressing love, there are countless ways to show gratitude and many of them are highly individualized. One grateful act might be wonderful for someone and a pain in the ass for someone else. It's up to you to figure out how to show your thankfulness in your own life, but here are some of the things I've tried to do over the past month to show those I love just how grateful I am. 

How To Say "I Love You" With Gratitude

• Saying thank you -- and meaning it. Sounds so obvious, I know. You're probably thinking, "I know that one, Dani!" but think about it for a minute. How often do you say thank you and really, really mean it? How often does your tone and body language and the look in your eyes convey just how grateful you are? I was raised with the please-and-thank-you manners too; we all know how important it is to give thanks. But that doesn't mean we're necessarily doing it sincerely, expressing how we feel to the level we really mean it. Over the past month or so I've been trying really hard to say thank you with true emotion and conviction. I want those I am grateful to to really know that I mean it, that whatever they've done for me has made a big difference in my life. Even if it's a small act of kindness, it never hurts to be enthusiastic when you say, "Thank you!" 
  
  
• Going out of your way for someone. It's easy for use to get caught up in our busy lives and focus primarily on ourselves and what's going on around us. But how much effort does it really take to take a pause and look around you to see if you can help someone else out? This month I've tried my best to slow down and look around. There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for and it doesn't take all that much effort to look around and see if I can help them out in some small way. Even if it's just a phone call to my mom to say, "How's your day going?" or holding open a door for a coworker with his hands completely full, small acts can make a big difference in people's lives and they are great ways to show you're grateful. You don't always have to do the direct "thank you" thing. There are indirect ways, like going just a little bit out of your way for someone else, that can really show others how much you love them. 
  
  
• Sending little cards and gifts. Now, as a disclaimer for this point, I'm just going to say that I was raised in a household where cards and gifts are a big deal. As I've grown older, I realize this is not the case for everyone. Not everyone expresses love in this way and I know that, no matter what, things are no substitute for actions. People would much rather be treated well than receive a gift as a token of love. That being said, it never hurts to pick up a little something for someone who means a lot to you. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but sometimes a little surprise is just what you need to show someone how much you love -- and are grateful for -- him or her. I'm a huge fan of sending cards (real cards, not e-cards -- though those are better than nothing!) and I think it's such a great, simple way to say to someone, "Hey, you matter to me. You matter so much, in fact, that I took the time to pick out, write, address, stamp, and send this card to you." These days, with all of the click-and-send stuff we can do, that kind of thing actually means a lot. 
  
  
• Treating others how they want to be treated. You know the old saying, "Treat others how you would like to be treated"? Yeah, that's bullshit. People don't want to be treated the way you want to be treated. They want to be treated the way they want to be treated. This, of course, requires a lot more effort on your part, making it an extra-great way to show how much you are grateful for someone else. It's very easy to do things your way, to treat others as you think you'd like to be treated, but it takes way more effort to go out of your way and figure out what it is that makes someone else happy. You have to pay attention. You have to be present. You have to make an effort. Believe me, this is not an easy one, and, worse yet, it may not be fully recognized or appreciated at the time, but, nonetheless, I think this is one of the most important things you can do when it comes to showing someone you love him or her. It is the ultimate selflessness, the primary way to recognize that someone else matters just as much (if not more!) than you do. Over the past month I've tried to be conscious of what others want and I've tried to do things the way others would want them done. This isn't easy and I'm certainly no expert at it, but I know that it is a great way to show just how grateful you are. 

Sometimes being grateful and expressing your love for someone else through your gratitude can be so easy. Other times it can get lost in the mix of life, buried somewhere under your To Do list and trampled by the millions of things you need to get done. But, as the quote above says, feeling gratitude and not expressing it is a waste of effort. It actually means something to feel grateful and that feeling can be wasted if you don't do what you can do share it with others. (Note: Sometimes gratitude just cannot be shared and sometimes it's downright inappropriate to go out of your way to share it. In those cases, I think it's best to keep that feeling as a reminder so that someday you can pass on a kind act or feeling to someone else.) Whether or not you realized it before, or are just coming to realize it now as I am, gratitude really is love. Sometimes it's a great big OMG kind of love. Other times it's a small simple love. But, no matter what, gratefulness is love. It's essential to the very essence of love and love is essential to the very essence of gratitude. 

[Note: Today's post is part of Random Acts of Kick Arse (RAOKA), a group I'm very fortunate to be a part of.The group joins together every month to take part in committing random acts. Each month we have a different theme and for the month of January the theme was "gratitude." Check out the other members of the group here: Jungle of Life, Jane Be Nimble, Gazehound's Animal Communications, Positive Provocations, and Life, Laughs & Lemmings.]

Photo Credit: (♥)  

L.O.V.E.: 4 unique ways to express your love

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"They do not love that do not show their love."

William Shakespeare

As the month of love begins and Valentine's Day approaches, I've been giving a lot of thought to love. (It's hard to avoid thinking about it when stores' shelves are stocked with all things red and pink and heart-shaped!) It's complex, fascinating term that can many so many things to so many people. It brings people the greatest joy and the deepest pain. It's hard to describe but undeniable when you experience it. It's something that can bring the biggest smile to your face or create a puddle of tears in your pillow. Love is pretty amazing. And, for that reason, I'm going to be celebrating a month of love here at Positively Present. For the month of February, I'm going to be writing all about love -- and not just romantic love, either. I'm going to be writing, as I always do, about life, but this month I'm going to be incorporating a whole lot of love into those posts.

As I've been thinking a lot about love recently, I've given some thought to how we can show love. It sounds easy -- kindness, gratitude, flowers, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, sex -- but is it really all that easy? When you love someone, how often do you really, truly show your love? It can be hard, especially when you've gotten past the deliriously magical first stage of your relationship, to show others just how much you love them. It's easy not only to take lovers for granted, but our friends and family too. How often to you tell your parents, your best friends, your siblings how much you love them? I know I don't say those words nearly often enough. And so I got to thinking about how I show love in my own way, without those actual words "I love you." Those words, mind you, are wonderful and hearing them from the mouth of someone you love can be the most amazing, comforting, and exhilarating feeling in the world. I don't discount those words. But I also know that sometimes those words aren't possible and, sadly, sometimes those words are not enough. 

But there is more to love -- as so many of us know -- than words. There are somany ways to show love, but four came to mind that really impact me on a daily basis. I've thought of four ways that I've either spread love to others or that others have spread love to me that have actually made a big difference in my life. Okay, to be fair, these are mostly things people have given me, things that people have shared with me in order to show me how much they love me. These four things (and not only these four!) have stuck with me in my mind, reminding me always that love exists and that, even when I've been in a heartbroken place, that there are still reasons to believe in the magical, mystical thing that is love. So here are four somewhat unconventional ways you can express your love to others...

L

Laughter. You're probably reading this one and thinking, "Laughter? Really? What does that have to do with love?" Well, in my opinion, it has a ton to do with love. Just think about it. If you can't laugh with someone -- whether it be a friend, a family member, a spouse, or a significant other -- how can you really open up and be close to that person? Laughter is a very positive form of release; when you experience it, you feel good. When you hear other people laughing, you also feel good (unless, of course, it's at your expense, but we'll save that topic for another post...). Laughter generally makes us very happy, and it makes those around us happy too. When I think about laughing with the ones I love, I realize just how important it is in each and every relationship I have. I love being able to laugh and I love to share laughs with those around me. It's one of the great ways to spread love and to share in something positive with other people.

O

Opportunity. People that have truly loved me over the years have given me so many opportunities. It seems almost like a boring way of putting love, but, in reality, this is one of the greatest ways you can show your love. It's certainly one of the greatest ways people have shown love to me. An opportunity can transform someone; it can change his or her whole life. Opportunities can be big or small, but they're always a way to open up your heart and show others that you care. One such way to do this is giving someone the simple opportunity to get to know you. That might sound arrogant or petty, but a lot of people have trouble letting people in (I know I do!) so it can be a huge opportunity just to let someone love you. Other opportunities could be things like sacrificing your spending so your children can go to great schools (thanks, Mom and Dad!) or offering someone the chance to excel at something they're great at by giving him or her a job. There are so many ways to show love through opportunities and, though we may not always think of this in the traditional way we think of love, giving opportunities to others really is one of the most loving things you can do.

V

Validation. In many ways, we're all seeking this. We want to know that we matter, that our lives count. We want to be able to look around and see that who we are and what we're doing is important, if not to the world, at least to someone who loves us. Therefore, validating someone's actions -- and even his or her existence -- is one of the greatest ways to show love. It can be in the form of those three little words -- "I love you" -- or it can be in a tangible way, like providing an opportunity or sharing your loved one's abilities with others. Validation comes in many forms and not all of them are verbal (though it's always great to hear that you're doing a great job or that you really are loved by someone!). This can be a small thing or a grand one, but either way, when you validate the life or life's work of someone you love, you really are loving that person at a deeper level. You're saying, "You matter. You count. Your life is important." And who doesn't feel loved when they hear that? I know I do. Every time I hear I love you or every time I'm told that what I'm doing with my life (mainly, this blog) is important, I feel loved. That feeling will stay with me all day -- and sometimes for weeks and months. It's hard to replicate that wonderful, joyful feeling that comes over you when someone tells you your life is worthwhile.

E

Enlightenment. Yes, I know, this word can sound a like like "bullshit" under the right circumstances, but what I'm trying to get at here is this: You can share what you know about the world with those you love and that can be a tremendous act of love. This is especially true when it comes to the love between children and parents. We're all struggling, trying to make it through this life and figure everything out, and how great is it when we get just a little bit of information that helps to light up our path, to see the way a little bit more clearly? I know that every time I've learned something from my parents -- or from a friend or a colleague or a even complete stranger who has written a wonderful book that ultimately taught me something -- I feel loved. It's a different kind of love -- a learning kind of love -- but it is an amazing thing that somehow makes my life easier. And isn't making someone's life easier a great way to show love? It's something we try to do (or should try to do) on a daily basis for ones we love when it comes to little things like cooking dinner or doing laundry, but if you think about it on the scale of sharing knowledge, it can become a truly great act of love. We can make the lives of others easier (or, at the very least, more interesting!) by sharing what we know. Sure, our words may fall sometimes on deaf ears, but there will be those time when your words have the power to transform a life by changing the way someone else views the world.

 

Of course there are many, many ways you can give love. Some of them are very specific and wouldn't apply to anyone but you and those you love. Some of them are so general and wonderful that almost anyone who loves someone would want to share them -- a hug, a kiss, a kind word. The world, amidst all of the sorrow and heartache and pain, is filled with so many ways to love, some of them so astounding that we write about them and read about them and watch them in awe. It is amazing some of the grand gestures people will make in the name of love. It's a powerful (and sometimes scary!) thing, but when we feel it -- truly feel it -- it's best that we share that feeling with those we love. There are so many ways to show love, but all of them are important. All of them are essential, in fact, to making the world a better place. So, go on, show some love today!

What are some of your favorite ways to show love?
How to do plan to show love TODAY?

words to live by: just breathe

 
 

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space in between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Well, it's all so overrated

In not saying how you feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real

And I give you just a little time

I wonder if you realize

I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,

Hoping you hear me

Do you hear me?

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between 

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

Everything is alright if I just breathe

Breathe...

Michelle Branch
"Breathe"

"Words To Live By" is a segment on Positively Present that features my favorite quote or lyrics from the week. Every Sunday I post a quote or lyrics that have inspired me with the hope that they'll inspire you too. Comments will be closed on these posts, but feel free to tweet the post if you enjoy it or contact me via Twitter.

guest post: change IS possible

 

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Today's guest post, by Brett H., author of DareToExpress, is one of my favorites. I can relate in a lot of ways to what Brett has written and it truly inspires me. Change is something that, when you're in a negative place in your life, seems impossible. When you finally realize that change is feasible, that it's something that can actually happen to you, it's absolutely amazing. Check out Brett's story in this post for some inspiration and motivation.


Life is Good

Yesterday was a strange experience for me. I didn't feel good for the entire day, yet I felt supremely good. I was tired and a little run-down from getting too much sleep, yet I felt the best I ever have. It was almost a Zen-like experience, where I didn't try all that hard, and I everything I did just effortlessly flowed from my fingertips -- and was good. Everything I did became an act of self-love and self-expression, from the way I ate my food, to the way I sat on my bed, reading The Bhagavad Gita, with a wry smile of self-satisfaction on my face and my body lying in a totally carefree manner with limbs sprawled carefreely in every-which direction. I never thought life could be this good, but it's actually a very small thing, this happiness.

Sometimes I think I take it for granted -- I'm so disconnected from the constant despair and turmoil that was my past that I overlook the near-constant happiness I have. But, at the same time, this shift from depression to positivity (and presence) is the greatest thing that's happened to me. People spend their whole lives looking for happiness and I've found it... think. All I know is that I've got this warm, fuzzy feeling of love in my chest all the time and I can choose what I can do with it. I call that happiness. If you told me that I would be as much of a source of positivity as I am now about 18 months ago, I would've told you that you were crazy. If you told my past self that I would be seeing the world as I do now -- as a wonderful, wonderful place -- he would've made some sarcastic remark that life sucks and moved on. If you told my past self that meditation and an understanding of spirituality would help elevate me higher than I've ever been, he would've told you that meditation is for the self-deluded and for New Age pseudo-hippies. But it's all true, and it's remarkably hard to believe. I can't even comprehend my transformation myself.


My Past Identity

I remember so many things from my past life. I remember being put on anti-depressants at age 10, and crying when I got them because they made me feel like something was wrong with me (and, I must say, I was right -- I had lots of psychological problems). Was I depressed? For the first time, I think I'll actually admit that I was truly in a very deep depression for about 5 years of my life. Therapy didn't help either; after a few months, I vowed never to return since it didn't help me and I buried my emotional problems so deep inside that I would be able to dodge the therapist's questions with honest answers that somehow never cut to the core of my problems. But he couldn't help me because I never knew what was truly wrong with me. And if I didn't know, I'd never steer the discussion in that direction.

All I knew was that I thought the world was a bad place and I was deeply unhappy with life in general. I thought the only person in the world who was any good was myself. My ego was the size of the Pacific Ocean. I had/have a great deal of natural talent intellectually, and have always done exceptionally in school. This, coupled with "growing up too fast," made me more "emotionally mature" than my peers. And by that I mean I lost the carefree positiviy of youth much faster and reverted to a state of constant negativity. I was always the witty one with dark, sarcastic humor and a twisted view of the world as a black hole. But I, the great Brett, was greater than everyone because I was so much smarter. And that's how I viewed life: me, the last, best hope of humanity, stranded in a world of eternal darkness. Except I didn't even function as a light; instead, I compounded the darkness with my negativity.

I became a master of suppressing ANY emotions, negative and positive. During school, I'd act like the normal, peppy kid who was on top of his studies and worked hard. But that didn't stop me from labeling the world as universally "bad" -- it didn't help that the town I live in is not a very pleasant place -- and me as the only "good." I'd go home and damn the world, damn existence, and let out all my bottled up negative emotions. I wouldn't necessarily cry, but I'd be kept up at night from overthinking -- thinking ab0ut the end of the world, thinking about what a chore it's going to be to wake up the next morning, and a host of other things I can't remember. I've been on pills to cure my insomnia for almost 7 years now, though I don't think I need them anymore since I no longer have those thoughts. Maybe my body's addicted to them. If you were to take a snapshot of my headspace when I was in my state of total depression, you'd see a boy who was totally lost in the world and whose only hope was college to escape what I saw as a desolate, hopeless town -- a fitting hope for the guy who based his identity off of his performance at school, though I was and still am a great athlete.

College was the light at the end of the tunnel, because I was so consumed with what I thought was the utter disaster that was around me. I still don't deny that my hometown isn't the greatest of places, but I let my environment totally define how I felt. I hated existence, I hated getting up in the morning, I hated the people I saw every day, I hated where I lived, I hated how I stood out among my peers since I was so smart, I hated how I was made fun of, I hated that I felt like the world was on my shoulders and I thought I had to perform for an audience I despised. Hate consumed my soul. I nearly attempted suicide twice, yet never thought there was anything wrong with me. The suppression of emotion choked me and still affects me to this day. Sometimes I struggle with genuinely expressing positive emotions around people, since I literally stopped doing it for so long and was afraid people would ask me why I'm so happy. But the negative emotions, for the most part, are gone. For every day that passes, I feel more and more free to express myself and my emotons.

Triggering the Transformation

So, how did I turn my life around? It all started out with my first and only real girlfriend (like I said, where I live things aren't the greatest, so dating prospects are few and far between). We went out for a little, then one Thursday afternoon, she called me and said, "Brett, let's go back to being best friends again." I said, "Sure, why not?" and that was that. But, in truth, it CRUSHED me. She said we broke up because I was "too negative" and that everyone hated me. I shot back that being negative just who I was, so I couldn't change that. Funnily enough, though this breakup totally destroyed my self-esteem because A) I just lost my first girlfriend and B) I lost my entire social circle because of the breakup because her friends became my friends, I never cried once about it. I guess I had gotten my black belt in emotional suppression by then.

After another dating prospect fell through because I had been too needy and negative (again), I lay crying in my bed, wondering why I was having zero success in life and with the ladies. And then my ex's words floated through my head -- and it kind of resonated with me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be negative. Maybe there's more to life. Maybe I can be positive. At that point, I think I had reached the deepest point in my depression yet, since my self-esteem was obliterated (seems like I gave my power away much too much) and I was left stranded. At that point, I started letting go of my ego a little bit more, so I didn't have anything to cling to. Life seemed utterly hopeless. But, as they say, the night is darkest before the dawn.

In June of 2008, my brother gave me Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead as a gift. I read it and immensely enjoyed it -- and realized that life could be positive with achievement. And I could be proud of it, but not degrade others. I could share my gifts with the world, and, guess what? I could create a better life for myself. That's what I took from the book. I finished it in a week, tremendously inspired with what the human spirit could do. I ignored the Objectivist stuff and focused on the profoundly moving message within it that man could conquer any and all obstacles if he was determined too. Reading The Fountainhead was the first step on my way out of darkness.

I saw some improvement in the rest of 2008, applying some of the principles from The Fountainhead, but 2009 was where I saw massive improvement and transformation. I consumed tons of self-help material and read tons of philosophy -- for I wanted to know what happiness was and how to get there. Eventually, in a not-so-glorious process, I gradually extracted my negative view of the world and implanted a positive one. I started to understand happiness as a function of self-love and started allowing myself to love me for me, and not anything else. I stopped letting others define me. I started meditating -- something I would've never considered doing before -- and it immensely improved my life, more than any other habit I've ever picked up.

The transformation process is really a blur for me. That's really all I can remember. It took a lot of reading and introspection, but I got there. And, here's the thing, I'm getting better every day. It's an amazing process. The defining moment of my transformation came when, one October night, I was meditating, and -- out of nowhere -- broke out sobbing. I cried and cried like I had never cried before, letting go of all the negativity that was in my past. I looked back on all the things that I had considered negative things before -- the breakup, my trashy town, my misanthropy -- and realized they were instrumental in making me who I am now. I realized, in that moment of clarity, that if I had never suffered like I did, if I had never spent those years in darkness, I wouldn't be the happy guy I am today. That epiphany made me laugh and cry some more. That session of meditative sobbing was like a rebirth for me. I got rid of the shackles that had held me down for seemingly my entire life, and experienced life as it should be. It was so beautiful that I cried some more and tears are in my eyes as I write this.

Change IS Possible!

I am a testament to the fact that drastic change is possible. If people tell you "people never change," I know you'll crack a wry smile from now on as you remember my story. And, maybe you'll tell them, "No, I read on this blog that this kid Brett..." and you'll recount an abbreviated version of my story. If had to give you any tips on how to turn your life around, or become a just a little more happy, I'd say do these things:

• Accept and let go of negative emotions,
• Choose to focus on the positives in life,
• Tune out the negatives,
• Love yourself unconditionally, and
• Meditate.

Those are the basics, and those are what you should focus on. They'll never let you down. In such a negative society, it's also unusual to express good feelings and love if it's "out of context" (read: at any time you're not around friends/family). Buck that trend and start smiling wherever you go. If you do that shamelessly, I guarantee your life will improve. You'll become a source of positive emotion and serve as an inspiration for people who were like me and need some help to get out of their depression. Trust me, by shining, you'll be a beacon for them. I know I could've used people who were positive to the core to help me out.

Looking back, I don't regret anything that I've done. I'm glad that I was depressed for so long -- because if I hadn't been so depressed, I wouldn't have gone on my quest of self-discovery that put me where I am today. I'm glad my girlfriend kicked me to the curb and crushed my self esteem, because that ultimately ended up catalyzing my change. I wouldn't trade anything I've experienced for the world because it's made me who I am today -- and I love who I am. If I'd have to close this post -- all I'd say is this: don't let other people define who you are and deter you from making the change that you know you can make. Change is possible, you just have to go out and get it. If it doesn't come as fast you like, be patient -- uncovering all the years of negativity and emotional wreckage takes a lot of time. Don't rush it, be persistent, don't quit, and I promise that happiness lies on the other side. 

Brett H. is a self-actualization blogger who writes at DareToExpress, where he frequently writes about the self-actualization process and how people can make lasting changes for the better. You can follow him on Twitter at @bretthimself.

the emotional effect: how to deal with others' negativity

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The other day as I was sitting in a meeting I could, for the first time, fully appreciate the phrase "you could cut the tension with a knife." Everyone in the room was nervous, tense. There were anxiously rapid eye movements, toes tapping, and legs jiggling. There were people shifting in their seats and shifting the tones of their voices. It was intense -- and it was stressing me out. I thought to myself, "How in the world can I be positive in this situation when everyone in this room is so anxious?" I'd gone into the meeting with a perfectly calm, perfectly upbeat attitude, and suddenly I'd felt my good mood draining. I had to find a way to deal with the situation before I became a finger-tapping, voice-raising mess.

I'm sure you've been in similar situations -- situations in which everyone in a room is in a much different state of mind than you are. If the energy of others is negative, it can really affect you. I, for one, am quite prone to picking up on the tone and mood of others and I know it can change my mood completely when someone else is in a negative place. When I found myself stuck in this meeting, I realized that there had to be a way to stay where I was (I didn't have much choice at that point) while still staying calm. Here's what I did...

How To Cope With Others' Negativity

• Focus on yourself. As I was I was sitting in that meeting, nearly going crazy from all of the tension I could feel floating around the room, I thought to myself, "How do I bring this back to me? How do I get away from the emotions of others and focus instead on my own emotional state?" I began asking myself the following questions: How are you feeling right now? How is your body reacting to the emotions of others? How do you want your body to react? What do you really think of the situation? How can you focus more on your own thoughts and less on the reactions of others? Once I started asking myself these questions and redirecting my focus to myself instead of to the others in the room, I began to feel a lot better. I realized that I was actually feeling just fine and that I couldn't let their negative energy take away from my pleasant mood.
  
  
• Use a mantra or phrase. A lot of people find it very helpful to have a key word or phrase that they can use whenever they're feeling stressed out. I've found that this usually works for me. I try to focus on whatever I want to be -- such as calm or positive -- and repeat the word to distract me from whatever negative situation is going on around me. It can really help you focus on what's happening within you (rather than external factors) and gives you a way to center yourself. Another way to do this would be to take deep, calming breaths (though this is a bit harder when you're in a situation like a meeting; it's hard to take deep breaths in a board room without looking like you're hyperventilating...). Repeating a mantra (in your head) or taking deep breaths can really help you to focus and calm down, guiding you away from negative emotions around you.  
  
  
• Remove yourself mentally. When you find yourself in a tough spot, sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation mentally. While I'm not for avoiding negative situations all together (see Monday's post on the 3:1 ratio), I do think sometimes you have to give yourself a break and let your mind vacate certain situations. If you can remove the negativity from yourself by removing your mental state from the negative place you've found yourself in, you'll probably gain a lot more clarity about the situation and how it's make you (not others) feel. If you're tremendously bothered by a situation, sometimes it helps to remove yourself from it (even if you can't do so in a physical way) by doing your best to think of more positive things. I'm not suggesting you tune out every time you have to deal with something hard, but if the negativity of others is overwhelming you, sometimes it's okay to take a mental time out.
  
  
• Realize it will end. In my experience, I've found that it's essential to remember that the difficult or negative situation you find yourself in will eventually end. As obvious as this might sound, it's so important to keep that in mind as you make your way through whatever the situation is. By reminding yourself that this situation will, at some point, be over, you're giving yourself the opportunity to keep the particular situation in perspective. When you're surrounded by negativity, it's very important to put it in perspective because, as you know, keeping it in perspective will help you keep your cool -- even if no one else in the situation seems to be able to.

Of course, it wasn't all that easy to do these things. It can actually be really difficult to remove yourself from the emotional states of others. I'm sure you've all heard of "the butterfly effect" and I think of this emotion transfer as very similar to that. One person's emotional state can have a ripple effect that travels from person to person. For example, let's say someone in that meeting I was in was very tense and then I became tense because of that. I could take my tense-ness out of the meeting and make someone else tense too. See how that works? It could go on forever that way if we don't make an effort to keep a safe distance from the emotional states of others.  

On the flip side, it's important to remember that you can also catch the positive emotions coming from others so if you want to be more positive, surround yourself with people who are positive! You can't always choose who you surround yourself with (for example, at work), but often you do have a choice. If people are bringing you down and making you feel negative, you need to really think about the purpose of those people in your life. If someone is an overall drain, you're probably better off without him or her. However, if you just find yourself in a bad situation or with a normally positive person who happens to be in a funk, look to the suggestions above and give them a try. Negativity isn't 100% avoidable, but there are definitely ways to deal with it that will make even the worst situations more productive and bearable.

What do you do when you find yourself in a negative situation?
Do you have any helpful tips for dealing with others' negativity?

make the 3-to-1 ratio of positivity work for you

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What is positivity? Lately I've been thinking about this a lot lately because, due to my job situation, I haven't been very happy. I haven't been happy... but I've still be positive. So what does it mean to be positive? For the past week or so I've been reading Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3-to-1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, which I've been meaning to read for awhile. So many have recommended that I read it, but it took me a long time to actually buy the book and start reading. And from the first page in, I've been saying to myself, "Why did it take me so long to read this???" The book is fascinating, filled with real scientific research about positivity but put together in a way that's not dull and dragging. Before cracking open the cover of this book, I often thought that positivity was pretty simple. It was just a generally good attitude that seemed to, in my experience, make everything better. But positivity, I'm certainly discovering, is a lot more -- so much more! -- than that. The author responds to her own question, "And what is positivity anyway?" with this statement: 

"Let's start with what it isn't. Positivity doesn't mean we should follow the axioms 'Grin and bear it' or 'Don't worry, be happy.' Those are simply superficial wishes. Positivity runs deeper. It consists of the whole range of positive emotions -- from appreciation to love, from amusement to joy, from hope to gratitude, and then some The term is purposely broad. It includes positive meanings and optimistic attitudes that trigger positive emotions as well as the open minds, tender hearts, relaxed limbs, and soft faces they usher in. It even includes the long-term impact that positive emotions have on your character, relationships, communities, and environment." 

When I read that, it really hit home that positivity is so much more than it seems. It's not just that "Be happy!" attitude (one that I haven't mastered and doubt I ever will); it's more than that and it's more important than that. As Fredrickson writes, "Positivity doesn't just change the corners of your mind, trading bad thoughts for good ones; it also changes the scope or boundaries of your mind. It widens the span of possibilities that you see." If I were to have read that even one year ago I would have scoffed and thought, "Bullshit. Positivity is just something people who don't think much about life possess. Anyone who's really thinking knows there's nothing to be positive about." But now... Now I know first hand that these words are true. Having a more positive attitude and incorporating more positivity into my life has changed the scope of my mind. The possibilities of my life have changed tremendously since I decided to seek out positivity. 

One thing I've struggled with is the notion that I cannot be positive all the time. It's pretty much impossible to always have a positive attitude, but I've often wondered, "How much positivity is enough? How much do I need to have to generally be a positive person?" According to Fredrickson's research, we should "aim for a positivity ratio of at least 3 to 1. This means that for every heart-wrenching negative emotional experience you endure, you experience at least at least three heartfelt positive emotional experiences that uplift you." Reading this I breathed a sigh of relief. I don't have to be positive all the time and I don't have to deny negative emotions (which I've always know would be a bad, bad idea). 

As Fredrickson notes, "The beauty of the 3-to-1 positivity ratio is that it's large enough to encompass the full range of human emotions. There's no emotion that needs to be forever shunned or repressed." I've often grappled with how one can be a positive person and still experience negative emotions and reading about Fredrickson's 3-to-1 ratio has really helped me to realize that just because you want to be positive doesn't meant that you're not going have bad times or experience negative emotions. In fact, as Fredrickson suggests, you need those emotions. You need to have a balance. A 3-to-1 balance, apparently. 

At this point in the post, I'm going to have to highly recommend that you read the book if you're at all interested in this subject. Many people recommended it to me and I kept put it off for some reason and I'm sorry that I did because I was missing out. If positivity is something that interests you, definitely check the book out to gain a full understanding of what the 3-to-1 ratio really means. In the rest of the post I'm going to focus on how I've tried to make the 3-to-1 ratio work for me and how these tips might work for you as well. These suggestions aren't in the book and I have no idea if Fredrickson would agree with them or not, but I know that they've worked for me so maybe they can have a positive impact on you too. 

4 Ways to Make the 3-to-1 Positivity Ratio Work for You
 

1. Take baby steps. Yeah, it sounds silly (and may even feel silly), but I've found that doing something positive, like smiling, makes a huge difference.  When I remember to take a few seconds to do a small, positive thing, like really smile at someone, it works. Though it seems like a tiny thing, little acts like this can make a big difference when it comes to being positive. 
   
   
2. Accept the negative. It's hard when you're focused on positivity all of the time (as I try to be) to address the things that are negative. It seems sometimes like a better idea to ignore them to say, "Oh, I'll deal with those another time," but it's really never a good idea to do that. If you're feeling a negative emotion, go ahead and fully experience it. It will actually make you better at being more positive! 
   
   
3. Listen and learn. Take a moment to listen to those around you. Are they looking for the good or dwelling on the bad? You can learn a lot from the people around you -- both from the good and the bad traits they possess. Listen to what others are saying and how they are reacting to learn how you would like to react. Take the good thoughts and leave the bad. 
   
   
4. Do your research. If you want to make the positivity ratio work for you, look into it. Read the book if you can or check it out online and gather more information. There's even a test you can take to see what your ratio is right now. The more work you put into understanding yourself and your emotions, the more likely you'll be to find that awesome 3-to-1 balance. 

There are many, many ways to seek a 3-to-1 positivity ratio in your life but a lot of them will depend on you. Your personality, your lifestyle, your mindset -- all of these things can affect your ratio and some of them can even change quite frequently. I've provided the four things that really help me to be more positive. These four things might work for you, they might not. Everyone is different when it comes to understanding their personal positivity ratio so it's important to give it some serious thought if you're working towards this as a goal in your life. I'll leave you with one of the most powerful passages I read in Fredrickson's book because it is the one that, after a year of seeking positivity, I know for sure is true. Silly as it might sound, the possibility for positivity really does lie within you...  

"... the potential for life-draining negativity lies within you, just as does the potential for life-giving positivity. You have more say than you think about which you feel and when. The treasure for your own positivity is waiting."